Saturday, April 14, 2012

Las Vegas bound.

This time tomorrow I will be on a 3 hour layover in Milwaukee, half way through my trip to Las Vegas! Right now I'm taking a break from last minute errands, cleaning, and packing. In a couple of hours I will be boarding a train Boston bound to spend the night with my friends that I am going on vacation with.

This vacation is so necessary. Work has been wicked stressful and my mind just needs a break. I'm a little nervous about the flights but I know we'll be just fine. I am a nervous flyer. I work myself up over it especially in the last 24 hours before takeoff. I did just finish a book that was super helpful and rational. I am absolutely fascinated with the amazing art of flying. I love taking off and landing, it's such an adrenaline rush. It's the turbulence that gets my nerves going. I used to fly when I was younger and never had a fear. I've just developed this anxiety in the last 5 years. It's hard to put a finger on the how and why but I'm thinking it has everything to do with my brother's death. I do have Vicodin this time so that should help with the anxiety.  I guess I used to have no fear and now death is such a real thing; I always assume/expect the worst which I know is not the way to look at it. I need to see it for what it is. Thousands of planes fly everyday and everyone is safe. The flight crew and pilots do this everyday for their jobs. I need to focus on the fact that we are so lucky to fly and the ability to do so is simply amazing!

Anyway, just wanted to drop in with an update. I will definitely blog when I return with pics and details. Have a great week friends!!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

This quote popped into my head today at a time that I really needed to smile. It got me through that moment of tears and sadness. 

I did my best to hold it together. After all, it was Easter Sunday and I had every reason to be having a good time. We were having brunch with my boyfriend's family, which after 5 years together, they're my family too. My mind was busy with thoughts of my own parents. And my brothers. One is away at college in NC and the other.. well, he's in heaven. 

Tomorrow marks the 5th year of Michael's passing. 5 years. How did I get here from there? It's true what they say, that time heals. But that's a wound that will never heal. It's gotten easier, yes, but the anniversaries of his death are always so hard. 

Five years ago today, my family was all together. We were having our last holiday as a whole. Easter fell on the 8th that year, just like this one. We lost him on the 9th. I've accepted that he's not coming back but it's still hard to know our family is incomplete without him. I guess I get so jealous seeing my boyfriend's family all together. So happy. Holidays make my parents want to hide and I don't blame them. Today I wanted to hide away too. I disappeared after brunch to the bathroom after reading my phone. I had updates that my friends had written messages on my late Brothers facebook wall. I started welling up with tears right there on the couch and had to get away. I didn't want attention, I wish no one had even noticed that I was gone. 

I can't say I want people to know how I feel because it's a horrible low. No one should feel that way. But sometimes it's so hard when no one else understands. Except my parents and my brother Dan. Tomorrow is going to be incredibly difficult and I really wish I had taken the day off from work. I guess it wouldn't have done me any good since I'd just be a hermit all day but I'd probably be better off. God grant me the strength to get through it. You've taken us this far, so I have faith. I don't know where I'd be without it.

I just had to get that off of my chest.