Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

This quote popped into my head today at a time that I really needed to smile. It got me through that moment of tears and sadness. 

I did my best to hold it together. After all, it was Easter Sunday and I had every reason to be having a good time. We were having brunch with my boyfriend's family, which after 5 years together, they're my family too. My mind was busy with thoughts of my own parents. And my brothers. One is away at college in NC and the other.. well, he's in heaven. 

Tomorrow marks the 5th year of Michael's passing. 5 years. How did I get here from there? It's true what they say, that time heals. But that's a wound that will never heal. It's gotten easier, yes, but the anniversaries of his death are always so hard. 

Five years ago today, my family was all together. We were having our last holiday as a whole. Easter fell on the 8th that year, just like this one. We lost him on the 9th. I've accepted that he's not coming back but it's still hard to know our family is incomplete without him. I guess I get so jealous seeing my boyfriend's family all together. So happy. Holidays make my parents want to hide and I don't blame them. Today I wanted to hide away too. I disappeared after brunch to the bathroom after reading my phone. I had updates that my friends had written messages on my late Brothers facebook wall. I started welling up with tears right there on the couch and had to get away. I didn't want attention, I wish no one had even noticed that I was gone. 

I can't say I want people to know how I feel because it's a horrible low. No one should feel that way. But sometimes it's so hard when no one else understands. Except my parents and my brother Dan. Tomorrow is going to be incredibly difficult and I really wish I had taken the day off from work. I guess it wouldn't have done me any good since I'd just be a hermit all day but I'd probably be better off. God grant me the strength to get through it. You've taken us this far, so I have faith. I don't know where I'd be without it.

I just had to get that off of my chest.

I can't wait until I have before & after pics!

I've spent the last couple of days gearing myself up to begin eating healthy again. Back in May, I started going to a new obgyn. In the future I will research before I start a new doctor because that was my first and last visit with her. Her english was so broken that I could barely understand her and she was just downright rude. She told me I am "morbidly obese". I understand that is a clinical term but what an awful word that "morbid" is. When I think "morbid", I think "death" instantly. I clearly understand that my BMI classifies me in that category but the way she spoke to me was demeaning. I left that appointment in tears and called my best friend to say I was done being fat. I immediately went to the grocery store and bought salad supplies. I did great for about a month and probably lost about 15 pounds. Everything was fitting "loosely" and I could squeeze into sizes I haven't gotten past my thighs in years. I became so confident that I started to reward myself with food.

Since then I've probably gained that weight back and then some. I need to take control again and not give up. I need to lose about 100lbs. The weather has been so beautiful this weekend that I felt so inspired to start walking again. Yesterday I walked to the end of my road and back which is just about a mile and a half total. What do I do today? Make some delicious apple crisp. Here I go rewarding myself again. But at least it's fruit, right? I did only have a 6 inch @ Subway today so I'm sure a little sliver of apple crisp won't be too bad. What I've learned in the past is I can't have a strict "diet", it just doesn't work for me. I need to eat healthy and really emphasize the term "healthy" rather than "diet".

I might try having instant oatmeal for breakfast and lunch, then have a healthy dinner no later than 7pm. It's worth a shot. I just need to find something that works for me and stick to it. I want to look good again. I no longer recognize that person in pictures that is supposed to be myself.

Cheers to eating healthy and finding my way back over to the OTHER side of the store. :-)

Finally on the right track.

I'm finally at a point in my life where everything seems to be headed in the right direction. I have a wonderful boyfriend and next month marks our 5 year anniversary. That alone is just amazing to me. He's a great guy and he makes me so happy. But enough about all of that, I finally have goals that seem obtainable. I'm at the half way mark of achieving my Associate's Degree in Business Administration. I took this semester off and have been beating myself up over it ever since. I'm done taking off any time from school, it's time to buckle down and get that degree. I need it to move forward in my life.

Though I need the degree to get further and obtain a job I love, it feels good to know that things are on the right track. I love the clients I'm working with and it feels great to be making a difference in their lives but it's just not a permanent job for me. I feel like there's a reason I'm there. I've always known I wanted to work with people with developmental disabilities and I just feel like when the time comes to move on, I'll have felt a sense of accomplishment from this job. I've learned so much in the year and a half that I've already been there. The benefits are wonderful and the organization I work for really cares about their employees. The pay is not that great but it's a far cry from waiting tables. I'm really thankful those days are long gone.

Speaking of waitressing, Friendly's has gone bankrupt. There wasn't any job security when I worked there for those 6 years so I can't even imagine working there now when they've closed down a long list of stores. I'm sure there's even more on the chopping block. While I feel terrible for my friends that do still work there, I hope this will give them an opportunity to venture out and get away from that hell hole. I'm not bitter over that place, I swear! ;-)

Anyway friends, I need to get going with my day so I'll talk to you soon!

R.I.P. Steve Jobs.

I've never in my lifetime owned an Apple computer but I am a bit familiar with them as my best friend growing up always had one. I've always been a PC girl but I do have to say that I would love to get one in the near future.

The world lost a great man yesterday. Steve Jobs, the former CEO and co-founder of Apple & Pixar Animation Studios died yesterday. He struggled with Pancreatic Cancer and also had a tumor removed in 2009 . He stepped down from his position of CEO @ Apple just about 6 weeks ago. He must've known he didn't have much time. I never knew much about the man until I heard he had resigned and I've learned a lot about him, along with the rest of the world, now that he has passed away.

If you don't know much about him, or even if you do, I recommend watching the video below. It's a commencement speech he made in 2005 and is truly inspirational. That man was the epitome of living your dreams. He's certainly inspired me. He changed the world by inventing the Apple computer and opening the door for his competitors. He gave us digital music in the form of the iPod, the iTunes store, the amazing iPad, and the iPhone, my personal favorite. He also saved Apple when they were nearly bankrupt in 1996 and led them into being the most valuable company in the world presently. He accomplished so much in his short 56 years. He's now high in the ranks with Thomas Edison and Einstein which I completely agree with. If it weren't for Steve Jobs, we wouldn't have this technology that we can longer live without. 

REST IN PEACE STEVE JOBS

1955 - 2011

Thank god for the "unsubscribe" link.

If you have a smartphone of any kind and it receives email, you'll understand my pain. Not only is my iphone attached to my hip literally at all times, but I also have to check it immediately after I hear the "ding" of an email, text, or voicemail. So about a million times a day (and that's hardly an exaggeration) I check my emails and they're constantly from the same companies. For example, WebMD, every single store I shop at, and the newest culprit, ShoeDazzle.com!

Forever I have just deleted these annoying emails but to save myself the annoyance, I am on an "unsubscribe" frenzy! That little link at the bottom of those annoying emails really is a godsend. It's right up there with the Spam folder!

My ode to Simply Orange.

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I don't have a good excuse - I guess I just forgot? I've been busy with everyday life and from time to time I think, "I should blog about this.." This is one of those instances! I'm having a lazy Saturday night of surfing the internet and watching Jersey Shore reruns. (yes, I'm guilty!)

And to be completely random, I have to confess my love for Simply Orange juice. I've always been addicted to OJ since I was a little kid. It's a staple in my fridge, I have to have it. I usually buy whatever brand is on sale each week but after trying them all, I have to say that Simply Orange is simply the best. It is so pure, smooth and delightful. I love it so much and have drank almost the entire bottle tonight. So I'm a little weird...Hopefully I don't pay for this at 3am with acid indigestion! If I do, I'll have to admit it was worth it!

Maybe I should take a Tums now just in case?

<3 Talk to you soon friends!

Well everyone I know has got a reason to say, put the past away.

I was feeling quite nostalgic last night and starting reading some old blogs that I had from back in the day. I came across some entries about a guy I used to be friends with and out of curiosity I looked him up on facebook to see what he was up to. I checked out his wall and to my surprise there were a bunch of "rest in peace" messages. As I went down the wall I realized that he passed away. What a way to find out. His girlfriend left a message saying that he had commit suicide on October 28th. For some reason this really hit home to me and I spent the entire night dwelling on it. Reminiscing about the old times and listening to "our songs".

His name was Jay and we met on FaceTheJury.com, a prehistoric facebook per say. I don't even know if that is still around. He was from the next town over and for awhile we exchanged messages. We were young kids when we met, I'd say maybe in like 10th grade. We knew a lot of the same people. Because neither of us could drive yet, we used to have our friends pick us up to hang out. We became great friends but at the time it was nothing more. He ended up getting a girl pregnant and then decided to marry her and join the Navy to support the family. While he was away in boot camp, she cheated on him and drained his bank account. It was then that we decided to "cross the line" and we both confessed our feelings for each other. When he came home on leave for 2 weeks in the summer, we spent most of the time together. It was beautiful. We'd spend hours in my car just listening to music, talking, holding hands, driving around; any way that we could be together. All of those things you do when you're young and in love.

While home on his leave he got the news that he would be stationed in Norfolk, VA after he returned to boot camp. He gave me his dogtag and promised me he would send for me. Once he was gone, it was over. He disappeared for a good year. So I of course was broken hearted for quite some time. I finally heard from him about a year later when he apologized and after that our friendship was never the same again; he had also left the Navy and I never got the right story about what happened there. He told me he'd tell me someday. We grew apart after this and he met a new girl and moved to Michigan to be with her. Fast forward 4 years and here I am... mourning his death.

I guess I always thought our paths would cross again, as they usually have on and off throughout the years. I am trying to decide whether or not to go to his funeral services on this coming Tuesday. My friends say I should because I might regret it later if I don't. I don't know, I'm torn. I covered my shift at work so I have the option. I have a couple of days to decide. I don't know why I'm letting this bother me so much. I think it's because death is so final. Either way, I hope he rests in peace.