I'm an addict.

It's 2015 and I'm still fat. 

 I'm not just fat as in a few extra pounds and a flat tire waist. I am well past that point. I'm out of control and it's beyond physical now. My full on addiction to food is up there next to the drug addict needing their next fix. I want it, I need it and I will get it anyway I can. I'm losing hope for myself and am really in no position to let that happen. 

 I'm a mother of a beautiful little girl that needs her mom. I need to be a positive influence in her life. Do I teach her that fat is okay? We need to be proud in our own skin. But at my weight now, I am not healthy. I want to teach her the importance of taking care of herself. 

I need to detox. But how do you detox from food when you need it to survive?

Time to change.

I don't even know the person in those photos anymore. How did I become this LARGE? Actually - Extra, extra large. And well on my way to adding another "extra" if I don't stop now. This is completely out of control. The weaker part of me says I don't know what to do but that's not true. I know what I need to do. I need to STOP letting the food control me. The hunger pangs that tell me I need to have whatever I want, when I want it need to stop. I can't give in anymore.

At this point in my life, I have an amazing man that loves me and a beautiful baby girl who needs me. She's almost walking (yes it's true, I've been away from this blog for far too long, again.) and I need to be able to catch up with her. I need to be able to play with her without getting winded. I need to be a role model to her. And most importantly, I need to be here in the physical world for a very long time for her. This all leads to the fact that I need to start a diet now. Not next week, but tomorrow. I wish I had someone to shop and cook for me. Someone to keep my ass out of those drive-thrus and my hands out of the potato chip bags.

Winter is well on it's way and so are the holidays. Many words come to mind; hibernation, baking, sweatpants, hoodies, etc. Every excuse in the book to be lazy. Nothing that's even remotely motivating. My beautiful little girl needs to be my motivation. Life should be my motivation. I need to do this for her. And selfishly, I do need to do this for myself.

I'm so disgusted with the way my body looks. I can't blame having a baby on it, I've been big for years. I'm going to figure out a budget worthy "ideal protein" type diet to stick to. Here's to a new body - I hope.

I can't wait until I have before & after pics!

I've spent the last couple of days gearing myself up to begin eating healthy again. Back in May, I started going to a new obgyn. In the future I will research before I start a new doctor because that was my first and last visit with her. Her english was so broken that I could barely understand her and she was just downright rude. She told me I am "morbidly obese". I understand that is a clinical term but what an awful word that "morbid" is. When I think "morbid", I think "death" instantly. I clearly understand that my BMI classifies me in that category but the way she spoke to me was demeaning. I left that appointment in tears and called my best friend to say I was done being fat. I immediately went to the grocery store and bought salad supplies. I did great for about a month and probably lost about 15 pounds. Everything was fitting "loosely" and I could squeeze into sizes I haven't gotten past my thighs in years. I became so confident that I started to reward myself with food.

Since then I've probably gained that weight back and then some. I need to take control again and not give up. I need to lose about 100lbs. The weather has been so beautiful this weekend that I felt so inspired to start walking again. Yesterday I walked to the end of my road and back which is just about a mile and a half total. What do I do today? Make some delicious apple crisp. Here I go rewarding myself again. But at least it's fruit, right? I did only have a 6 inch @ Subway today so I'm sure a little sliver of apple crisp won't be too bad. What I've learned in the past is I can't have a strict "diet", it just doesn't work for me. I need to eat healthy and really emphasize the term "healthy" rather than "diet".

I might try having instant oatmeal for breakfast and lunch, then have a healthy dinner no later than 7pm. It's worth a shot. I just need to find something that works for me and stick to it. I want to look good again. I no longer recognize that person in pictures that is supposed to be myself.

Cheers to eating healthy and finding my way back over to the OTHER side of the store. :-)