I'm an addict.

It's 2015 and I'm still fat. 

 I'm not just fat as in a few extra pounds and a flat tire waist. I am well past that point. I'm out of control and it's beyond physical now. My full on addiction to food is up there next to the drug addict needing their next fix. I want it, I need it and I will get it anyway I can. I'm losing hope for myself and am really in no position to let that happen. 

 I'm a mother of a beautiful little girl that needs her mom. I need to be a positive influence in her life. Do I teach her that fat is okay? We need to be proud in our own skin. But at my weight now, I am not healthy. I want to teach her the importance of taking care of herself. 

I need to detox. But how do you detox from food when you need it to survive?

My Entrepreneurial Epiphany at 29.

At 29, I've done some thinking back on my twenties and I have to say this decade has been pretty good to me. I've done so much growing up despite the fact that I've never had any idea what I wanted to be "when I grow up". It was always my goal to have it figured out by 30.

College was not in my future at my high school graduation. Most of my friends went to universities and I went from part-time to full time hours at the local coffee shop. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go to college. The money wasn't there. And I certainly wasn't a scholar. Eventually I moved on to waitressing for the better half of my twenties spending my tips almost immediately after my shift was over. Sure, I had responsibilities. My father and I had a rocky relationship and I moved in and out of their house a few times. I finally moved out for good and rented a room at the boarding house down the street where I lived above a bar among the crackheads and other misguided youth. I even remember googling "sex offenders" and seeing the guy down the hall come up in my search which always freaked me out. But I was a freshly minted 21-year-old and I lived above the most popular bar in town! Oh those years were fun.

Most of my late teens and early twenties, I applied to several colleges and was even accepted to one that I really wanted to go to but couldn't afford. With every school, I wanted to persue a different degree. Next, I completed my first year in Community college for Business Administration but then lost my financial aid. I even took a CNA course as a last ditch effort and quit before the exam. 

To this day, I'm still impressed by those who know what they want to be. Those who knew as a child that someday they'd be a teacher. To have even a clue that you're on the "right path". 

Present day, the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm a mom to an almost two year old. I am lucky enough to work from home as an administrative assistant and persue one thing I've always been passionate about- selling on eBay! I've always had a knack for finding "treasures" at thrift stores and flipping them for good money. I've even taken this time to branch out and sell with Amazon which is a whole different beast. 

It wasn't until now that I've realized that I don't fit into any one career like a little round peg. I hated the office setting I worked in when I was pregnant. I love when I see the traffic reports on the morning news and know I don't have to leave the house for a commute like I used to. I get to raise my daughter  instead of dropping her off to a daycare that I most likely couldn't afford. And I still have the opportunity to contribute and earn my own money from my paycheck and other income streams.

I guess what this all means is that I have an entrepreneurial spirit. I always have but just wasn't in tune with that feeling. Perhaps this is something that schools should teach and nuture. Why not? There are Entrepreneur classes at those colleges I couldn't afford. I feel so fortunate that all of my past experiences have brought me here and I'm not over my head in student loans like so many of my friends. This realization is another sign of my personal growth and to be honest, I couldn't be happier.

My new found love- the Little Free Library.

Earlier this week I was exploring the area around my home, taking all the back roads I hadn't been down as my daughter started dozing off for her afternoon nap. I passed by this street corner with the cutest little box that read "take a book, leave a book or both!". It almost looked like an oversized birdhouse. I kept going down the road debating to turn around and check it out. I finally did and I couldn't be more pleased!

As I approached the roadside box I noticed that it said "Little Free Library". How amazing is that? I went up and found a book I'd been looking for - "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed (which I have since finished but that's for another post!). I felt strange taking a book and not leaving one so I was sure to return with a couple more the next day. I googled the Little Free Library and to my delight I found that they have these free libraries in neighborhoods worldwide! The map has several nearby so I made it a point to visit a few this week. They are all built and maintained by locals, usually the property owners, and have books for all different ages. 

I love kindness in this form- what an amazing little treasure to be found. I highly suggest you check out littlefreelibrary.org and visit any that may be local to you!

                               

Yet another weight loss epiphany.

Tomorrow is as good as any day to start my path towards a healthier life. 

I'm 29 and going to be 30 in 6 months. I need to go into my 30s as a much healthier person. Its time to really buckle down and figure out how to "win" this battle. 

Recently a friend and I were discussing how he needs to quit smoking and how difficult it is for him. Some people smoke, some people drink- we all have our vices. I am addicted to food. That's crazy, right? It sure sounds like it since we all need food to live. I need it to live and I need it for emotional support, for fun, for so many reasons that are unneccessary. I acknowledge that but that doesn't stop me from going to the bakery. Just like my friend who quit smoking for 3 months but is now lighting one up twice daily. 

I spoke with a Dietician today who served partly as a friend and also as a shrink. i said things outloud to her that I hadn't said before but were so true. I need be an adult about this and start living a healthy lifestyle. I need to start small but at least it's something. My goal is to lose 100 lbs- It's going to be a long road. Feel free to follow me down this path.

Stay at Home Mom? Nope, I'm a Work from Home mom!

2013 was the fastest year of my life. It was also the most amazing.

On the second day of 2013, I gave birth (albeit 3 weeks early!) to the most beautiful little baby girl. At the time, I didn't know what the future was other than that I was now a mom to this precious little person. I no longer had a job. How were we going to do this on one income? I had TDI through my state and an additional plan through Aflac but that would all end in 6 weeks. Then what?

Then came the best thing that could have happened at that point in time.

From day one when my daughter was born, I researched every single option I could to find a stay at home job. The job I had at the time made me completely miserable and there was no future (but that's for a whole other blog post - or not). My entire check would go straight to the daycare, so what would be the point of going back?

What I found in my research was every gimmick on the web. It was then that I gained a new respect for those Pampered Chef and Avon stickers that you see on the back of mini-vans. Just a mom doing what she can to support her children (and possibly have fun doing it!). I knew selling wasn't for me. Those pyramid and MLM marketing schemes aren't my cup of tea - though they must work because they're still around! Medical transcription? No thank you. A call center position setup from home? Good luck with trying to hear me with a screaming child in the background.

What was I going to do? I spent 6 weeks with this sweet little baby that I could imagine leaving with anyone else. I have waitressing experience, that's quick cash. I thought for sure that I'd be working night shifts eternally. Trading off the baby when he comes home from work in the afternoon. I had a couple of waitressing interviews lined up, my Dunkin Donuts application just ready to be dropped off.

I'd been going through a hiring process for a few weeks in the meantime with a company that was hiring for Virtual Assistants. I met a few other moms in a forum that worked for the company and swore it was the best job for our situation. So I had a lot of hope but not much faith in it panning out in my favor. At the time, it was "the dream" but I knew I had to be realistic and find a "real job".

It was then that I was hired. I now had the opportunity to work from home. No daycare
No working the nights away wondering if she started doing something new that I'd miss. It was an amazing opportunity to make more money than I was earning working 40 hours (I think most weeks I work around 15 hours total). From my couch, in my pajamas. With my daughter right here with me. We have the freedom to enjoy our days together. If we want to go out shopping for a couple of hours, we can. Hang at home today? Sure thing. A-mazing.

Here we are, nearly a year later since I started with this job. I'm a Virtual Assistant (google it) and I couldn't be happier! I'm still so smitten with the fact that we can earn two incomes and I can raise our daughter from home. It makes me so proud to live in a time where this is possible because I know that my parents both worked full-time (if not, more) to make ends meet and this wasn't an option then. What an incredible opportunity and I feel so blessed.

Time to change.

I don't even know the person in those photos anymore. How did I become this LARGE? Actually - Extra, extra large. And well on my way to adding another "extra" if I don't stop now. This is completely out of control. The weaker part of me says I don't know what to do but that's not true. I know what I need to do. I need to STOP letting the food control me. The hunger pangs that tell me I need to have whatever I want, when I want it need to stop. I can't give in anymore.

At this point in my life, I have an amazing man that loves me and a beautiful baby girl who needs me. She's almost walking (yes it's true, I've been away from this blog for far too long, again.) and I need to be able to catch up with her. I need to be able to play with her without getting winded. I need to be a role model to her. And most importantly, I need to be here in the physical world for a very long time for her. This all leads to the fact that I need to start a diet now. Not next week, but tomorrow. I wish I had someone to shop and cook for me. Someone to keep my ass out of those drive-thrus and my hands out of the potato chip bags.

Winter is well on it's way and so are the holidays. Many words come to mind; hibernation, baking, sweatpants, hoodies, etc. Every excuse in the book to be lazy. Nothing that's even remotely motivating. My beautiful little girl needs to be my motivation. Life should be my motivation. I need to do this for her. And selfishly, I do need to do this for myself.

I'm so disgusted with the way my body looks. I can't blame having a baby on it, I've been big for years. I'm going to figure out a budget worthy "ideal protein" type diet to stick to. Here's to a new body - I hope.

Las Vegas bound.

This time tomorrow I will be on a 3 hour layover in Milwaukee, half way through my trip to Las Vegas! Right now I'm taking a break from last minute errands, cleaning, and packing. In a couple of hours I will be boarding a train Boston bound to spend the night with my friends that I am going on vacation with.

This vacation is so necessary. Work has been wicked stressful and my mind just needs a break. I'm a little nervous about the flights but I know we'll be just fine. I am a nervous flyer. I work myself up over it especially in the last 24 hours before takeoff. I did just finish a book that was super helpful and rational. I am absolutely fascinated with the amazing art of flying. I love taking off and landing, it's such an adrenaline rush. It's the turbulence that gets my nerves going. I used to fly when I was younger and never had a fear. I've just developed this anxiety in the last 5 years. It's hard to put a finger on the how and why but I'm thinking it has everything to do with my brother's death. I do have Vicodin this time so that should help with the anxiety.  I guess I used to have no fear and now death is such a real thing; I always assume/expect the worst which I know is not the way to look at it. I need to see it for what it is. Thousands of planes fly everyday and everyone is safe. The flight crew and pilots do this everyday for their jobs. I need to focus on the fact that we are so lucky to fly and the ability to do so is simply amazing!

Anyway, just wanted to drop in with an update. I will definitely blog when I return with pics and details. Have a great week friends!!